OLD GRANDAD - THE LAST UPPER (1999)

The artwork looked so appalling that I simply had to buy this one. Appalling, not so much because of the (yawn) blasphemous concept for the cover, but the terrible quality of the illustration. Hell, I knew what I was buying into but that was half the fun....or so I thought?

Some of the track titles did offer a small amount of hope. Though, now looking back in hindsight, I was simply adding even more fuel to the fire. It seems Your Guts On Rye was not about the quaint cinque port in East Sussex and Woman Hurt In Bizarre Exorcism wasn't a helpful health and safety message, I'm not sure what Daly City Crackhouse was about, maybe dodgy external wall rendering?

The CD arrived with a sticker proclaiming "a brutal concoction of primal sludge tempered with bursts of speedcore fury" - I was in deeper than I had even realised.

So, musically it is all clank, clank, rattle, rattle, grind, bass, growl, fuzz, scream.....pause....... clank, clank, rattle, rattle, grind, bass, growl, fuzz, scream. There was an awkward and ill-advised "let's be Rage Against The Machine" rap moment but mostly it is the same old formula, including the essential scattering of expletives. Lyrically there's not much to offer either, I was slightly amused by Your Guts On Rye having the words "Second bloody verse, we're having dinner in a hearse, grind up the bloody pulp mess of the heathen scumling f***ing a dead nurse". That gives you an idea of what this album is about. The final track Zero Sky does offer a slightly more gentle and thoughtful ending but then spoils it all with a lazy fade out.

If Old Grandad still exist then they can rest assured that this album is only really suitable for fans of speedcore and from their point of view that's probably a job well done.

Top Tracks: Woman Hurt In Bizarre Exorcism, Relatively Far From The Equator

Verdict: Fail - supports the case for euthanasia

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taster From YouTube:

LAZY-B - LAZY-B TV (2006)

Vaguely picked for the artwork (i.e. a Peter Murphy-era Maxell advert memory) and the Underwear Goes Inside The Pants and The Manual (Chapter 4) track titles, this Lazy-B album seemed to offer something a little different. However, upon listening, the first couple of tracks soon diminished any promise, instead presenting itself more as a one-trick pony. A rather tired one-trick pony with one wonky leg.

Each track is nothing much more than a sequence of cut-up voice samples and spoken word messages providing facts and information over an uninspiring dance backing. Sort of a disco Baz Luhrmann Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen with slightly more emphasis on sexual themes, presumably to make it appear more edgy? Yawn.

It might have made a mildly entertaining three minute single but with each repeat play, an album full of the stuff gets less and less enjoyable. Once you've heard all the titbits, there's just no point in hearing them again. It came with a Limited Edition Bonus DVD, which didn't improve the experience. I should have guessed from the artwork that this album is so tired it needs a chair. The Maxell ad was much more exciting.

Top Track: Are You Qualified?

Verdict: Fail - just plain lazy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are some examples from YouTube:

PANTS PANTS PANTS - POP SONGS TO MAKE US FAMOUS (2005)

An obvious choice. Firstly, there's the techy-collage artwork, then the ultra-silly Pants Pants Pants band name, the album title Pop Songs To Make Us Famous and finally track titles such as Hovercraft Traffic Music, Zupakraut, Sensible Gangsta and Squeeze It. That gives a pretty good indication what delights this album might contain.

The album starts with Born In The BBS, a gradually building synth and guitar jam with a subtle, ethnic-toned underbelly and vocal sample. Surprisingly raucous and thankfully a good start with a pleasing FSOL feel. Talking of feeling, Squeeze It instantly brings in the expected comedy as a deadpan pseudo-European voice and a humorous rap vocal work around some catchy electro instrumentation. "Please to let me squeeze it!" indeed.

Amongst all the tongue-in-cheek pick 'n' mix electro, Dance and Mildly Delicious sit with a solid Orbital quality in parts, nicely mixed with pleasant grooves. Likewise Fabio Salsa and Hovercraft Traffic Music are worthy gimmick-free instrumentals. They all work well amongst the more targeted tracks.

Sensible Gangsta is an amusing track about being a prudent rapper. It includes lines such as "I wrote this rhyme on cardboard to save on paper, dog-eared the corners, no need for a stapler" and "I cut up my rhymes coz of studio time". The corny holler "even his rhymes were cheap!" about sums it up. You can't help but smile.

The final track Fear Factor is a good guitar romp featuring spidery indie-rock boy/girl vocals, a last piece of variety to round off a fun album with something for everyone.

Top Tracks: Squeeze It, Dance, Mildly Delicious, Fabio Salsa.

Verdict: Pass - my new favourite pants.